Enveloping
Smothering
Absolute
Sadness

george

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George Henry Strayer

My Dad passed yesterday. Jim and I rented a house in Camino since the end of May and I've been helping with Dad's care, while he worked and the kids did whatever. Carrie was living with Dad. James and Susan were here helping, and Mike and Chelsea. Lori came up from Sacramento for a couple of days. We all took turns taking care of him. When Carrie went to the doctor with Dad a few months ago, they said he had between 2-4 years to live. He had Bladder Cancer. In May he had surgery to remove the cancer on his bladder. His bladder and his kidney's were in awful shape. The doctor wanted to take out his bladder and use a bladder bag. He wouldn't. he also refused Kemotherapy and radiation. He said he didn't want to die like Mom. He also had a hernia operation 2 days after the bladder tumor operation. Steadily and rapidly, after the operations, his health declined. It was so quick. Jim and I had originally arranged to stay at this place for 2 weeks. When we got here and saw Dad, we knew. We immediately arranged to stay until the end of June.
Two days ago I was able to sit with Dad alone for a few hours. I just sat next to his bed and rubbed his arm and shoulders and neck and occassionally talked to him. I love my Dad. He was my best friend when I was a kid. I never doubted that he loved me. When it was time for me to leave I looked in his eyes and I could see his love. I said, "I'm going home now Dad. I'll see you in the morning." He looked right at me and nodded perceptively, I knew. I kissed his forhead and said I love you, He tried to kiss me back so I kissed him on the mouth and then again on the head. I knew he was saying goodbye.
During the night, around 11pm, James texted me to tell me they'd started giving him morphine for pain. The nurse told him it would a few hours 'till a few days. James, Lori, Carrie and I gathered at Dad's. Mike had left for Baltimore a few days before. We sat with him through the night, his breathing was extremely irregular and ragged. In the morning, Lori and Carrie and I changed him and laid him on his side, his breathing became more peaceful, less ragged. James had left earlier to record some documents for the house. Carrie decided to take a shower, I decided to go on a walk and Lori began vacuuming. During my walk, I had the distinct impression that I needed to continue to walk and not go back, that Dad couldn't go with us holding him there. Although, we didn't mean to be, our presence, as his children held him to this life. Within a period of 10 to 15 minutes James came back. He asked Lori to turn off the vacuum. Dad was gone. He had chosen to go when we were all away or distracted. I think he needed us to not be holding him here at all. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here with my Dad in his time of need. He has always been there for me.

Bodega Bay

The last day and a half my brother's and their families and A and I have taken Dad to Bodega Bay.  It has been a very relaxing experience.  Dad has been so relaxed to be here at the beach, near the water.  I think it's been very good for him to be out of his house.  It has been a beautiful day here.  I took some videos of A earlier which are very funny, he absolutely loved the water!  Not only have I enjoyed being here with Dad, but I've had a lovely time with A.  He fell asleep on the way here so I brought him in and laid him down on the bed.  Later, as we prepared for bed he said to me, "Mom, you can sleep in my bed."  Gee, thanks buddy, I thought you were sleeping in my bed!  He and SS and I went down to the beach this afternoon and on the way back there was a small creek.  I showed him the water skimmers on top of the water.  He didn't want to leave, he wanted to "get naked" and go in the creek with the water skimmers, "'cause they won't hurt me, they won't mom!"  We also spotted a ground squirrel poking it's head out which he decided to watch for a while.  Luckily, SS finally caught a ladybug which we used to lure him up the path or the walk home could have taken us hours :).  Anyway, he's been cute.

Going Well

Things are going well around here, besides the fact that I came down wrong on my ankle this morning in Step Aerobics and fell and sprained my ankle :)!  I hurt.  The kids are doing well.  Today was Macey dance festival performance.  They were very cute.  Josh has been working hard all afternoon on his Rupt Goldberg Project for science.  Ben doesn't have any homework since it's the last few days of school.  He so excited he doesn't know what to do with himself!  He tryed out for UT FC's AAA soccer team last week and made it!  I think the increased level of competition will be good for him.  Trevor has finished his last step toward getting social rec and will be coming home to stay some nights now.   This will be an exciting and hopefully postitive experience for all of us.  I worry of course, but I know he is doing well.  He is learning to control his own behavior and it is so wonderful. 
Ernie hates the electric fence, but he has responded great and stays in the yard at all times!  Yeah!  no more stress over the dog!
I have been enjoying teaching YWomen.  I taught about sharing the gospel last Sunday and was able to share experiences about Vicky Parker and Mark Ewoldsen with the girls.  I think they were touched.  I hope so.

Dad and T

My Dad will have his surgery on Wednesday.  The tumor is cancerous.  They will attempt to remove the tumor from his bladder.  He doesn't want to have kimotherapy or radiation so were hoping they will be able to remove all of the tumor.  He had been anxious and nervous. 
T was home on Saturday.  We spent the day making an electric fence for Ernie.  He has been herding cars and almost getting himself killed, so we thought we should take care of it.  T was a big help.  He is so much more open and respectful, I can hardly believe it's the same kid.  I hope so badly that he continues to heal.
My brother M and C had their baby on the 21st.  A girl.

Dad

My Dad went to the doctor Saturday.  He thought he had kidney stones.  He hasn't been to the doctor in almost 30 years!  It isn't kidney stones, it's a tumor on top of his bladder.  They said if it's cancerous that it is a very treatable kind, but we are all still scared.  We lost our Mom to Cancer 18 years ago now.  It was terrible.  My Dad has been my hero all of my life.  He is a good man, a kind man.  I know that in worldly terms he hasn't done a lot, but in my terms he's amazing.  I remember sitting with him and talking for hours, chopping wood, painting, watering the garden.  He always had time for me  and cared about his family more than anything else.  I remember one time I asked him why he never went out with friends or anything and he said, "Daughter, my family is my life.  I love being at home."  I think that says it all.